W

According to Karl Rove's Twitter, you can send farewell messages to the outgoing president at gwbfarewell@gmail.com.

Since those messages will be vetted, if only so they can get the sheer number down to a manageable size, I've decided not to email my message, but instead to put it online, available to all, and likely to be archived. A permanent tribute among millions of permanent tributes.

Dear Mr. President,

Thanks to the efforts of your administration and its supporters to impose neo-conservative ideas of sexual morality on society, I have felt an increasing desire to stick Little Bluey in practically anything that wiggles.

I am typing this with my cock,

Bluey

How to Make Money, the definitive guide

"Help us, Uncle Bluey!" I heard you whimper. "You posted so many wonderful hints on making money that we can't possibly keep track of them all! However shall we manage?"

Honestly. What would you do without me?

1. Porn
2. Specialist Entertainment
3. Tourism
4. Street Entertainment
5. Write begging letters
6. Prostitution
7. Cry on video
8. Work for websites
9. Sell your underwear
10. XXXXXXX

Still, that's enough of Nicky for now. The well has run dry. It's time for something else. And strangely enough, I'm not short of ideas yet. By twiddling Little Jimmy (as I call my third nipple) I'm able to tune into the psychosphere. My horns aren't just for show, readers; they're radio aerials. Let's see what ideas come out of the ether, shall we?

Ah, yes. Here's one. The Lawrence Dagstine guide to fame. Ten hints and tips to give everyone's favourite troll the acclaim he so richly deserves.

Stay tuned, folks.

How to Make Money #10 of 10

I held on for a while, waiting to see how things panned out. Surprisingly cautious behaviour, I know; believe me, I felt funny while doing it. Still, I'm back now, and I have the final top tip for Nickolaus if he's still interested in making megabucks. Still, this is an easy hint that's almost guaranteed to make money, so without further ado, let's crack on. Hang on, there's a knocking at the door…

INTERMISSION

Well I never. I didn't know I had a legal team. Still, they've told me that if I publish the last tip, I could be held liable for any consequences. Charges could be preferred and they'd actually stick too. If I had a heart, dear readers, it'd have been in my mouth.

Still, we came to an agreement. I can publish the tenth and final money-making tip for Nickolaus Pacione, but I have to redact most of it. Buggered if I know how this'll work, but here goes anyway.

XXXX XXXX XXXXXXXX XX XXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX medication XXXX XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX XXX XX XXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XXX X X XXXXX XXX XXXX XXX XXXX XX XX XX XXXXXX XXXX

XXXXX XXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXX XX XXXXXX XX XX $1.00 XXX XXX XX XXX X XXXXXXXXX XXX XX X XXX XXXXX XXX XXX X X XXXXX XXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXX XX XXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXX

XXXX XX XXXXXX XXXXX $100 X XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XXXXX

Whew. Right. That's your lot. I'll post a list of links to all ten money-making tips next, and then after that I can write about something else. Thanks, Nicky. You've been an absolute riot.

Where's the next money-making tip then?

I've no doubt you're all wondering where the grand finale to my series of money-making hints for the budding author has got to. Will it ever materialise, I hear you ask. Will I just do my disappearing act again and re-emerge a few months later hoping you've all forgotten about it?

Wait and see, readers.

Well, okay, being mysterious isn't my style, but it was worth a try. Truth is I'm waiting for the reports on Nickolaus's appearances in public to appear. The tenth hint will be based on his performance, and should be a fitting conclusion to the series.

How to Make Money #9 of 10

Blah blah blah, you know the drill by now, you all know what this is about. Insert line describing Nickolaus's level of poverty and indignation here; add a quip about how I'm going to solve all his problems, just call me Trinny and Susannah with three nipples and goat's hooves. Let's just get on, shall we?

Sell your underwear

Long-time readers of Bluey's Corner will be painfully aware of Nickolaus's attempt to sell his jeans. Nick, I can tell you right now, hand on my heart, that you're doing it wrong. The online sale of used clothing is a niche market, Nickypoo. You have to find an audience and sell to them, not simply slap a random garment online and hope someone'll go for it! Play to your strengths! Now, the way I see it, you have two resources you can exploit when dealing in second-hand clothes: your unique approach to physical hygiene and your squeaky voice. You could easily go into the soiled underwear business. Just go on YouTube, dress up like a Japanese schoolgirl, and burusera enthusiasts will be beating a path to your inbox. Now, you may have to splash out on a schoolgirl uniform and a few pairs of panties to begin with (not like that, naughty!) but the return on investment is potentially enormous.

BONUS MATERIAL

I'd like to quote the best thing Nickolaus ever wrote, ever ever ever.

A pair of Wrangler Jeans

These jeans are a little small for me but they are still in good shape. They're good if you're camping or going out somewhere. Not the kind of jeans you wear with basketball shoes but if you got some boots or something they come in handly. they are a 32 waist by 32 inseam. They just shrunk. They are faded black.

How to Make Money #8 of 10

I despair, I really do. Here I am, milking all my years of experience dry to find ways to get Nicky the money he deserves, and yet he seems determined to shut down all his potential revenue streams! His lulu account? All content removed. His writerscafe account? Nixed. I can't keep helping you if you won't be helped!

Still, I am a charitable being. Look me up in the Big Book of Three-Nippled Blue-Skinned Possibly-Satyrs and you'll see the following:

Bluey

Kind, charitable, and all-round wonderful being for whose presence the world is a considerably richer place. Not a petty beer-swilling sadist who thinks nothing of ramming objects up complete strangers' bottoms and dear god that's cold! You might at least have warmed it up first! Ow ow ow ow ow…

So, because I'm just that kind of goatguy, here's the eighth in a series of ten about how Nick can turn his misfortunes around and cash in.

Work for websites

Let's be brutally honest with ourselves here: your name isn't that big a draw for community-based websites. Sure, you have something of a following about people who love seeing you fail, but they're not the main selling point of the facebooks, bebos and mySpaces of the world. They like to bill themselves as safe, the sort of places where kids can go and not be harassed or exploited. In other words, the sort of places not frequented by the likes of you. That said, they don't have very much control over who applies in the first place. They can block email addresses and IPs, but there are workarounds for that. They can ban accounts, but new accounts spring up just as quickly. You should know this, of course. It's ground well trodden, isn't it? So, how can you take this state of affairs and make money out of it? Well, it's simple. Just find out who's in charge of one of the newer social networks, one that hasn't broken through yet. They're the people who will try almost anything to get their membership and advertising revenue up. Send them the following email. Feel free to copy and paste this.

Dear Sir,

Your social network has a lot of potential, but I haven't joined yet for a very good reason. I am a borderline retarded nutjob who gets his big fat jollies by harassing people who don't give me the praise I think I deserve. Nothing gets my fœtid little prick harder than sending an expletive-laden death threat to a thirteen-year-old boy, and I really mean that. If I can talk a pre-pubescent girl into sending me content for one of my anthologies and then bitch her out in public when she realizes I've been exploiting her, and then send her PayPal demands for multi-thousand-dollar amounts, I get so turned on that I'll be scrubbing my watery grey spunk off of the ceiling for weeks.

What's this got to do with anything? Well, obviously I'm not the sort of person you want on your site. This is not extortion, though. It's an offer! For the low, low sum of $100 I'm prepared to go to your rivals, act just like I've described, while talking shit about your site, denouncing it as an abode of homosexuals, communists, nazis and child molesters. People will see through my cunning double-bluff and go to your network in droves since it's the one place I won't be. You will be quids in, mark my words.

I am typing this with my cock,

Nickolaus Pacione

How to Make Money #7 of 10

Okay, let's review the situation now this series is but three hints away from drawing to a close. Your name is Nickolaus Pacione and you consider yourself an up-and-coming horror author, who's so horribly discriminated against just because he sent a few piffling threatening emails and told a few porky pies. For that reason, wealth, fame and hand-jobs from anyone other than yourself have eluded you, dancing away from your grasp like some big dancy-away-from-your-graspy things. It's the worst kind of hate crime! People from every race, creed, religion and background have come together and are saying bad things about you, just because you're a doughy-faced hate-spewing parasite who'll say anything just to get a bit of phony validation. This prejudice against malodorous shithorns is on a par with the murder of Kitty Genovese!

Why can't they just leave you alone?

Why can't they just give you some money, say you're the best thing since sliced Lovecraft, offer you a few women and then leave you alone?

Cry on video

This should be an easy one for you. Basically your image problem is that you haven't been able to snare the audience's sympathy. People have come to see you as a bit of an ogre. Admittedly a rather squeaky-voiced puny ogre, but an ogre nonetheless. It's not too late to show the level of emotional upset your critics have caused. Case in point: Chris 'Leave Britney alone!' Crocker. You know who he is, or at least knew well enough to post a 'silent retort' to his tear-laden plea. Regardless of the reaction to his video, he did pretty well out of it. It got him TV appearances, a development deal… think about what something like that could do for you. Take a leaf out of his book and weep, you fucker, weep!