That is not dead which can eternal lie…

For those of you who don't know, my name is Bluey. I am a violent dipsomaniac with blue skin, goat's hooves and three nipples. I do not believe in self-control and I like shoving things up people's bottoms. The other people who claim to work on this website, Phil and Tabi, are the blind and tenebrous Other Gods and I am their soul and messenger. Think of me as a cut-price Nyarlathotep and you'll get the general idea.

Which in a roundabout way brings me round to today's daily hate. The first link in today's wretched chain is none other than H.P. Lovecraft. Don't get me wrong: I like Lovecraft. He's great. When it comes to workshy bigots who write florid stories ostensibly about things with tentacles but really are just elaborate ways of articulating misanthropic sympathies and distaste with organised religion, he's easily my favourite. Top notch. No, what gets my goat (and bear in mind that I probably am 40% goat, right, so that's a lot of goat to get!) is the legion of sub-Lovecraftian horror writers. The sort who think that all you have to do is drop in a list of unpronounceable names of pre-human alien deities and hey presto! You've got a passable bit of cosmic horror. You know the sort? The sort who took August Derleth and Brian Lumley's stories and decided to do something completely similar, and yet still insist that their pastiches of pastiches are actually scary. Not that I'm going to name names here, of course. Today I'm going to issue you with a few guidelines for writing shitty Cthulhu Mythos fiction. Take notes. There will be a test later.

1. Your story must involve a copy of the Necronomicon. A previously undiscovered copy. Every cult has an unexpurgated copy of this very rare and unobtainable book. It must be bound in human skin, obviously.
2. Your mythos story must involve the Great Old Ones. At least four of them must be referenced by name. If you can include an actual list of names of Mythos beings, this will only increase your Cthulhu-cred.
3. At least three things must be indescribable. Since that means the thing you fail to describe is extra-scary and not at all a reflection on your lack of ability to write.
4. At some point have a creature speak in an inhuman tongue. At some point a creature must yell "Iä!" or "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." This'll show you have read The Call of Cthulhu and thus demonstrate that you're a) literate and b) prepared to rip off show your influences openly.
5. Your story must involve a cult. Not a lone worshipper, or someone with an oblique connection to some event or other, but a cult, complete with robes and KKK-style hoods. They will fight with big sacrificial knives because that's what they do.
6. Your story's protagonist will be just like you. Because that's what HPL did, right? And he will also survive the story and be really heroic.

Just bear that checklist in mind and you too can write your own Cthulhu Mythos story! You may even be published by Nickolaus Pacione! Tell 'em Phil Smith sent you…

Originally posted to Slack 'n' Hash on August 23, 2007.