RIAAid

The worst thing about being me is people always expect things. They want me to appear in a cartoon, provide regular front-page updates, and I agree to it out of the goodness of my heart — 'cause, y'know, I'm just that kind of guy — and what happens if I miss an update or fifteen? Honestly. I keep this place going, I'm the talent, I'm the main draw, and all I get for my trouble is whine whine whine. Thanks, guys.

Oh, dear me, but the RIAA aren't having a good time of things lately, are they? They were ordered to pay Deborah Foster's legal fees (no less than $68,585.23!) but haven't coughed up the money yet. They've not even contacted her lawyers. Well, you know how it is when the bill comes through the front door. For the first week you daren't open the envelope. There's just something about brown envelopes with plastic windows gives people the willies. The RIAA are human too, probably. Naturally they're going to get a bit anxious.

Maybe we should do what they haven't done with their chosen victims, though, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps… they don't actually have the money. After all, those lawsuits don't pay for themselves, and the stress of putting single mothers and 10-year-old girls through all that suffering must be frankly immense. In their position I'd need a few three-martini lunches just to get me through the day. Do you think all that booze is tax-deductable? I wish! Expecting them to actually pay out when they lose a case is adding insult to injury.

I think it's up to right-thinking people like you and me to do something about it. I think it's time to organise a fundraiser for them. How about a benefit concert? Come on, Bob Geldof! Forget those poor starving bastards! There's a load of rich replete bastards who are far more needy! We need RIAAid now! Round up your Metallicas (Metallicae?), your Eminems and all the other musicians who care deeply about the plight of those poor embattled victims of anti-industry prejudice. Let's all come together, speak with one voice, and have a concert to raise money for this impoverished organisation of wealthy professionals.

My God, it'd be beautiful. You could have an anthem for the charity; one with a really chorus which the audience could sing, and then they could fork over a dollar each in royalties for performing the song in public. Well, a dollar now; a dollar fifty next year; two bucks in 2009… just to bring rates into line with the standard, you know.

Originally posted to Slack 'n' Hash on August 15, 2007.