Where's the next money-making tip then?

I've no doubt you're all wondering where the grand finale to my series of money-making hints for the budding author has got to. Will it ever materialise, I hear you ask. Will I just do my disappearing act again and re-emerge a few months later hoping you've all forgotten about it?

Wait and see, readers.

Well, okay, being mysterious isn't my style, but it was worth a try. Truth is I'm waiting for the reports on Nickolaus's appearances in public to appear. The tenth hint will be based on his performance, and should be a fitting conclusion to the series.

How to Make Money #9 of 10

Blah blah blah, you know the drill by now, you all know what this is about. Insert line describing Nickolaus's level of poverty and indignation here; add a quip about how I'm going to solve all his problems, just call me Trinny and Susannah with three nipples and goat's hooves. Let's just get on, shall we?

Sell your underwear

Long-time readers of Bluey's Corner will be painfully aware of Nickolaus's attempt to sell his jeans. Nick, I can tell you right now, hand on my heart, that you're doing it wrong. The online sale of used clothing is a niche market, Nickypoo. You have to find an audience and sell to them, not simply slap a random garment online and hope someone'll go for it! Play to your strengths! Now, the way I see it, you have two resources you can exploit when dealing in second-hand clothes: your unique approach to physical hygiene and your squeaky voice. You could easily go into the soiled underwear business. Just go on YouTube, dress up like a Japanese schoolgirl, and burusera enthusiasts will be beating a path to your inbox. Now, you may have to splash out on a schoolgirl uniform and a few pairs of panties to begin with (not like that, naughty!) but the return on investment is potentially enormous.

BONUS MATERIAL

I'd like to quote the best thing Nickolaus ever wrote, ever ever ever.

A pair of Wrangler Jeans

These jeans are a little small for me but they are still in good shape. They're good if you're camping or going out somewhere. Not the kind of jeans you wear with basketball shoes but if you got some boots or something they come in handly. they are a 32 waist by 32 inseam. They just shrunk. They are faded black.

How to Make Money #7 of 10

Okay, let's review the situation now this series is but three hints away from drawing to a close. Your name is Nickolaus Pacione and you consider yourself an up-and-coming horror author, who's so horribly discriminated against just because he sent a few piffling threatening emails and told a few porky pies. For that reason, wealth, fame and hand-jobs from anyone other than yourself have eluded you, dancing away from your grasp like some big dancy-away-from-your-graspy things. It's the worst kind of hate crime! People from every race, creed, religion and background have come together and are saying bad things about you, just because you're a doughy-faced hate-spewing parasite who'll say anything just to get a bit of phony validation. This prejudice against malodorous shithorns is on a par with the murder of Kitty Genovese!

Why can't they just leave you alone?

Why can't they just give you some money, say you're the best thing since sliced Lovecraft, offer you a few women and then leave you alone?

Cry on video

This should be an easy one for you. Basically your image problem is that you haven't been able to snare the audience's sympathy. People have come to see you as a bit of an ogre. Admittedly a rather squeaky-voiced puny ogre, but an ogre nonetheless. It's not too late to show the level of emotional upset your critics have caused. Case in point: Chris 'Leave Britney alone!' Crocker. You know who he is, or at least knew well enough to post a 'silent retort' to his tear-laden plea. Regardless of the reaction to his video, he did pretty well out of it. It got him TV appearances, a development deal… think about what something like that could do for you. Take a leaf out of his book and weep, you fucker, weep!

How to Make Money #6 of 10

Since Nick's not offered his opinion on any of my guaranteed sure-fire can't-miss get-rich-quick win-fame-and-adulation-and-influence strategies, I can only assume he's out there, trying them out and raking in those pennies. To him I can only say "Have patience! We are but halfway through this guide and before long those pennies will become pounds!" Or dollars. Or whatever currency might actually be worth anything these days. The Latverian Zlotnik's supposed to be quite strong these days, so if you move to the Marvel Universe chances are you could be quids in.

Still, enough waffle from me. You want the sixth hint to help you rake in your well-deserved income, don't you? Of course you do.

Prostitution

Bit of a tricky one, this. You might think you haven't quite got what it takes! It takes courage, you might think. It takes looks. It takes at least a minimum standard of personal hygiene. Well, aren't you lucky? The tactic I propose requires absolutely none of these things. All it takes is a low enough self-esteem to go out as you are and approach random strangers. Now, you can't expect a particularly high hit-rate from this, and in a way that should be a relief. After all, vaginae are scary, scary things with teeth in them, and as for penes? Well, if you so much as look at one of them, Nicky, even your own, you may become pregnant! But fear not! This attempt at whoring yourself out won't require you to take your clothes off at all. You're not after clients who will pay you to stick your wee-wee in them or vice-versa. You're after the others. The ones who will regret it immediately after agreeing to take you on, fobbing you off with five bucks; or else will mistake you for a mendicant, busker or even a performing monkey and just press a handful of loose change into your grubby paw. That is your target audience. People love to see someone worse off than themselves, you see; makes them feel better. By essaying the role of a shambling cadaver-in-waiting reduced to renting out his scabrous mouth and flaky old ringpiece for the sake of a handful of pennies, you are certain to evoke some sort of reaction and charitable response.

Bonus hint: try this with policemen. They might even give you a bed for the night.

How to Make Money #5 of 10

This next money-making tip is a doozy, Nick, as it actually requires you a) to write and b) to communicate with people. You may think that's easy, but just you wait until you see it. It'll tax every last one of your hidden reserves, forcing you to dig deep within yourself.

Write Begging Letters

I've seen it mentioned that you're after a grant to help your publishing company, or whatever the hell it is you call that card table you've set up in your grandpa's garage. That'll require filling in forms and dealing with the whole impersonal process of finding out whether or not you qualify for X, Y or Z; how it'll affect your benefits, and then waiting for your application to be processed. Why not cut out the middle man and write a series of grovelling letters to the great and the good seeing if they'll part with some of their money? The trick here is to look back at all your previous communications with members of the public, be they writers, editors or readers. Now do the exact opposite. Demands for money via PayPal tend only to work approximately 0.0001% of the time, and that's my optimistic estimate. Only on one occasion have I responded favourably to a request for money involving the word 'bitch'. (The request, by the way, began with the words If you lend me a tenner 'til Tuesday I'll be your…) Don't bother with any of this talk about being a budding writer and publisher. Just pretend to be an abandoned child whose heart has burst into flames à la the Caliph Vathek, who needs the money for a glass of water in a pitiable attempt to put out said cardiac conflagration. You'll receive any number of withering rejections, but eventually someone will take pity on you. Just remember to really lick boot. Someone will bite eventually.

How to Make Money #4 of 10

This is the best idea of the lot, really it is. Hope you're reading this, Nick. Make sure you bookmark this post because this tip could change your life.

Street Entertainment

This is possibly the most difficult way of raising your profile, but it's well worth it. For this you'll need a friend, or at least someone who can spend more than five minutes in your presence without holding his nose. Make sure he's bigger than you. That bit won't be quite so difficult, obviously. Now, take off all your clothes (don't worry, the hair will cover most of the worst of it) and put on a bright red waistcoat and a fez. Your friend (preferably blind as well, actually) should have a music-box, an organ, accordion, concertina or a jack-in the box. While he plays, you dance. Don't worry about your complete lack of physical grace. Just pause occasionally to masturbate and in a poor light you should pass for a monkey.

How to Make Money #3 of 10

Here's the latest in a series of fundraising tips for everyone's favourite dark conservative. Please note that these tips are not guaranteed to work for anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together. If you want to try these hints out, be sure to devolve into a malodorous little goblin with all the charisma of a glue-sniffing mollusc before making your attempt.

Tourism

You've inspired a kind of train-wreck fascination, Nick. Make use of that by opening your home up to tourists! See the two kitchens! Take in the sights, the sounds, the smells (if they neglect to buy one of the $10 nose-pegs). I daresay your grandparents will be entitled to the lion's share of the profits but you could always make figures of yourself out of pipe-cleaners and sell them for 50c per item.

How to Make Money #2 of 10

Let's recap. You are Nickolaus Pacione, and despite your best, well, second-best, well... crap efforts, you still haven't struck it rich. Just where and when are you going to get all that lovely moolah that you should have by now? At the last you've come here, desperate for ways of raising a bit of the old folding green. Dear reader, Bluey shall not disappoint.

Specialist Entertainment

Now, this scheme involves two of your favourite hobbies: bondage sleepsacks and getting beaten up by children. It will require an initial expense of about $20, though, and require you to actually go outside. Spend the $20 on a load of cheap plastic toys and individually-wrapped sweets and you can market yourself as Nickolaus, the human Piñata. Simply secure yourself in the sleepsack with the sweets and toys, have someone haul you up with a nylon rope and the children can lay about you with sticks. After three whacks, simply unzip the sleeping bag and drop the prizes. Charge $50 a go and that's $30 clear profit!

How to Make Money #1 of 10

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So then.

Given my name (Bluey) and the colour of my skin (#336699) anyone could easily assume I was making some kind of political statement. Long-time readers, back from when I was a mere agent of mischief confined to 280 pixel by 280 pixel panels, will no doubt remember that I enjoyed ripping the piss out of the neo-conservatives while they hung onto the reins of power with all the tenacity of a <INSERT STEREOTYPE HERE> in <INSERT FAVOURED HOBBY OF AFOREMENTIONED STEREOTYPE HERE> season. So naturally, seeing said reins of power snatched away from them was something I wanted to see, right? Right?

Well, this mood of jubilation may be all well and good, but you'll forgive me for not joining in the celebrations. For the moment, the power-mongering, the continual invocations of faith as justification for human rights abuses, the pointless sabre-rattling and determination to alienate America from the rest of the planet is in abeyance for a little while at least. Even the French are saying on TV how much they like you, for fuck's sake.

I'm out of a job now. You bastards. Never consider my feelings, do you? Here I am, I've blown I don't know how much money on the John McCain Wheel-o-Rage™ and the Sarah Palin Magic Eight-Ball (guaranteed useless and backward opinions on any situation) and now they're just going to gather dust along with the Michael Dukakis Charisma Container (viewable only through an electron microscope), the Howard Dean Shriek-box (200dB, wear supplied ear plugs before using) and the 10,000 John Kerry Prosthetic Chins I bulk-ordered.

Shit.