Beep beep beep beep beep

Hurrah for the gallant NYPD, guardians of the state and liberty.

I think you know where this is going, don't you?

If there's one thing people need, it's more regulation. It's for their own good. After all, in this post-9/11 climate, the last thing we need is more worry. After all, that might cause panic. And how do you stop people from worrying? Keep 'em dumb, that's how!

And what is it that's the latest potential cause of panic? What is it that threatens to get the locals so steamed up that their panic could paralyse the city with undue stress, worry, turmoil and anxiety?

Geiger counters.

I'm afraid so. Do you have any instruments that could detect the presence of radioactive, biological or chemical agents? Gotta have a permit. After all, you might get a false alarm, so unless the cops know where it is and know you're allowed to have one chances are you're going to cause widespread panic and the terrists win. This measure, they claim, is to ensure the devices are properly set up and that they conform to standards of quality and reliability.

For once, though, I'm going to stop this snark halfway through. Why? Because an article that consists solely of sarcasm is predictable, boring, and lazy. Even by my standards, and I can't even be arsed to get out of bed most days. I actually think the idea of this law is a good thing and I hope it gets voted through. Oh, some might say that if you want to ensure that the devices are properly calibrated and are suitably fit for purpose, then the first responsibility belongs to the manufacturers rather than the owners, but to such people I say this: who cares?

Regulate them out the ass. Make sure that every time someone wants one of these potentially panic-inducing devices, someone has to fill in an inch-thick wad of forms. More importantly, make sure that someone reads it.

In fact, since it's our civic duty (well, your civic duty; I don't live over there!) to keep ourselves (well, yourselves) informed and act responsibly, everyone should try to get hold of some of these devices: pollution detectors, Geiger counters, the lot. Apply for permits for everything. If the cops want control of all this equipment and want to regulate everything, let them. Give 'em so much paperwork that they'll damn well choke on it. And in fact, why not extend the brief? Fires cause panic! London burned down once, after all. Don't want people to be unduly worried by a few false positives on that front, so make sure that everyone who wants a smoke detector has to go through this.

Do it. Do it now. Even if they're just informal requests for information or permission. Sometimes, if you want a bad law to be prevented, you have to obey it with extreme prejudice.

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 28, 2008.

Reaching out to the fans.

Hang on. I've forgotten who I was supposed to be mocking in this blog. The writers or the fans? Oh, what the Hell. There's room enough for everybody. Spread a little happiness, that's my motto. Still, let's try to bridge this divide. At heart, every fan is a frustrated writer, after all. Why? Because art's difficult and technical stuff is boring. Writing on the other hand is easy: just look at all the fanfiction out there!

1. If you want to get ahead as a writer, you need to contact writers. Don't bother with submissions editors: magazines fold all the time! Writers stay around for ages. They know if a story works or not: it's their job. Google around and send them manuscripts. Make sure yours stand out from the others: different coloured text, strange fonts: all of these can help mark you out as an individual.
2. Writers are always in need of ideas. Send them some. They'll be glad of the help, and they'll give you a writing credit too! Remember, completed manuscripts are easy: it's ideas that are hard. Most don't have them. If you do, you've got it made!
3. Writers are naturally sociable creatures. Offer to collaborate with them. If you supply the idea and they do the donkey work, you could split the money with them 50/50!
4. The market isn't big enough to accomodate many new universes. Make sure the first five manuscripts you send out used established fictional worlds: Star Trek is a good idea. So is Star Wars. That's very big right now. Right now I can think of no novels published that cross the Star Wars and Star Trek universes. You could be the first person to write that!
5. Of course, some writers don't like those big franchises. So try personalising your offer by substituting their characters for Luke Skywalker, Captain Picard and what have you. Granted, the fit won't be perfect, but it's the idea that counts. As a rough guide, 'impulse power' means 'lots of horses' and 'warp 9' means 'lots and lots of horses'.
6. People respond better to novels that engage them on a personal level. You're a great guy, so make sure you're in the story somehow. This is a sort of in-joke, like Alfred Hitchcock's cameos in his films. If you adopt that too, the readers will go for that in a big way.
7. Your material is new and different. Make sure they know how. List other authors by name and show how yours is more original.
8. Writers are notoriously competitive and harbour grudges against their rivals. Show you're on their side by bad-mouthing a few when you drop your manuscript in their lap.
9. Remember that some people are naturally forgetful. If they haven't replied to your email at length, be sure to remind them. Play it cool, though: if you do it more than twenty times a day they'll start thinking they're dealing with some sort of nutter.
10. J.R.R. Tolkien didn't start writing The Lord of the Rings until he was 45. It wasn't published until he was 62. You're younger than that and you've just started on your magnum opus. I think that says something. Make sure they know that!
11. All writers feel a certain degree of fellowship because of their trade. Be sure to use the term 'fellow writer'.

So, fandom, now you know all you need to know about getting that multi-part fantasy / sci-fi epic out there. Your idols will know you're one of them at heart. Now get out there and prove it!

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 14, 2008.

Mike Read's Got Beautiful Breath

Just a quick post today. I thought I'd sing the praises of fandom, because not enough people do. They're an underappreciated bunch, all told, and the most fascinating sociopolitical group. Where else will you find a group that's very quick to point out its own intelligence and academic aptitude, and yet is still dumb enough to spout movie, video game and TV series catchphrases and drop Cube-knows-how much money on tie-in crap?

Hooray for fans! If it wasn't for fans, you science fiction writers wouldn't be where you are today.

No, stop laughing. You wouldn't be where you are today without them. Think about that, and all that that implies. Every pasty-faced tit who insists on cornering you at conventions and telling you at length about their fanfiction? That seventeen-stone packet of instant ennui (just add water! …and soap, preferably) is the core audience for your merchandise. That person has probably had a swift one off the wrist while wearing a t-shirt with the label of the franchise on it. While reading 'erotic' fanfiction based on your stories.

It'd be nice if the reward somehow matched up to that knowledge, wouldn't it? If the odour of cat piss actually guaranteed you'd earn out and get some income from those books besides the advance on royalties.

And if you producers of material for fandom consumption are feeling a bit depressed, just let me weigh in with the following point: I wish I had some fans too. Just a couple. Just so I could look at them and feel superior. That'd be great. Someone who'd lap up all this bullshit and see me for the genius I am. Any takers?

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 13, 2008.

Broom Handle / Your Arse '08

This is a column with one purpose: to aggrandise myself at the expense of anyone with the misfortune to be in my sights at the moment. I do not need to be knowledgeable. I just have to riff as mercilessly as I can and some of you are bound to lap it up. It's part of the deal. I'm a bastard and you like it.

This job's easy. Too easy. You see, every other bugger does it and the famous are queuing up around the block to provide the next train wreck du jour There's just no challenge anymore! I've hardly done a dozen columns and already I'm bored.

The thing is, I'm told the key to good blogging, or at least one of the keys is timeliness. Do you see the problem I face here, boys and girls? I'd promised myself I wouldn't devote two columns in a row to the presidential candidates, but it looks like I've got no choice. That's all pretty much every social networking site is talking about. That and Britney Spears, and frankly it's no contest, is it?

Let's try doing things a little differently, though. Let's turn our eyes away from the presidential hopefuls and look at you, the people they're trying to court. After all, what's a whore without her johns? Now, I've noticed something you all have in common: first, you all have an opinion, and a really strong one at that. America's been through Hell these past eight years, so naturally that's understandable. Second, each of you has his or hopes pinned on one candidate, with the expectation that they'll lead America and by extension the world out of its current morass, whether they see that morass as war, corruption, financial crisis, evolution or gay marriage. Pick an issue, any issue, and it's threatening to destroy America and only one candidate can provide salvation. Even people who I'd otherwise consider quite intelligent are doing this.

I have to ask one question, folks: why? We've all seen it happen again and again, and each time it backfires. You pin all your hopes on one guy or girl, hoping for change, only for them to backfire or turn out to be very much part of the establishment that's troubling you. And then four years roll around, and you do it all again. Have you learned nothing? No wonder Bush got in for a second term. He didn't need to fiddle the ballots. All he needed was a divided populace and ineffectual opposition, each member of which on the lookout for their own personal Moses, expecting him to provide a cure. That was easy enough. He got in the last two times, simply, because you are all idiots. That's all.

Sorry, is that too harsh for you? Were you expecting me to pick on Bush and the Republicans? Well, yes. It'd be easy to. And God knows I still will, because they're as bad as it gets, but they don't get all the blame. Oh, no. Not by a long chalk. You see, there are two parties. The vote was split roughly in half. That means half of you elected him to power, and the other half let him stay there and do what he wanted with impunity.

"But wait!" I hear you say. "Half of you didn't vote for him, and made sure the Democrats took both houses! That should settle him, shouldn't it? It could have been worse. And anyway, he's out this time, and Clinton or Obama could get in! It'll be different soon!"

Fuck you. It's no different now, and it probably won't change regardless of whoever gets in. I'll tell you why. It's not voter apathy, although that's part of it. It's because you're lazy. You expect a president will grant or preserve your freedoms. You reckon your political responsibilities begin and end at the ballot boxes, and a load of you can't even be bothered to go that far. You ended up with Bush and the current load of politicians because they were all you deserved.

Of course, I hardly do anything on this front either, so I'm part of the problem too. Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the whole fucking lot of us… aah, I'm too sober for this shit. I'll try to take the piss out of something funnier next time, okay?

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 7, 2008.

Iowaaaargh

It's shocking, it really is. I've been online for years, and what's the best I get? Occasional blogging on an RPG site. Here I am, intelligent, charming, devilishly sexy (women go for cloven hooves, you know) and yet the only people with whom I can share my wit and wisdom are a bunch of losers for whom the highlight of the month is rolling a natural 20 on an inked icosahedron: an event which by frigging definition occurs 5% of the time! I'm wasted on you, I really am. In a doomed attempt to broaden the appeal of this snot-smeared piss-drizzled rag of a website, it's time to put on my political hat.

So without further ado I cast my rheumy eye (it's a recognised medical condition) over the Iowa caucus. The first big fight to start weeding out candidates that are somehow unsuited to the presidency. It's all terribly inefficient. I could accomplish that in seconds: just invite them all into an enclosed space to debate and toss in a pipe bomb. A simple process of elimination. But, apparently, the law frowns on practices like that, so the country is forced to stoop to politics. Iowa is an agricultural state, stereotypically full of middle-aged white conservative God-botherers. The backbone of the Midwest. You know. The average sort of schmuck to whom few politicians would want to give the time of day, except when it's time for the caucus. Then it's time to do a bit of glad-handing with the nation's most mediocre and connect: the idea is if you can connect with these people, who pride themselves on their unassuming common sense (ha!) then you can connect with anyone. If you can win in Iowa and New Hampshire, you have the common touch and have a fighting chance anywhere. That's the theory, anyway. At Iowa, all pretensions are checked at the door. And a whole raft of new pretensions must be picked up quicker than you can say "Vote for me and I'll give you a blow-job."

Who's who in this race is not as important as who's pretending to be who. Candidates are going to try to latch onto as many groups as possible in an attempt to court their votes. The sad truth is that the public don't actually want change. They want a candidate to agree with them. That works out nicely because the candidates are prepared to agree with absolutely anyone in order to get their votes. Do you think that human beings were created as they are now, 6,000 years ago? Great! No problem! Just so long as enough of you vote and contribute to the campaign, there'll be half a dozen politicians fighting with each other to disbelieve any bit of science you care to name. Germ theory, plate tectonics — who needs them?

Whoever you vote for, politicians will get in. One chunk of the populace will be rewarded for their votes, another will be punished, and chances are you're all in for a vigorous ass-fucking and thanks to the price of crude oil hitting $100 a barrel, Vaseline is going to be expensive. You might look into water- or silicon-based lubricants. Start looking now.

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 3, 2008.

Oh, they're back, are they?

Oh, look. They're alive again. Honestly, people today: no staying power, that's their problem. All it takes is one little crisis like the imminent release of a new edition of D&D and everyone goes to pieces. "What'll we do, Bluey?" they ask. "In a few short months most of the gaming material on this site will be obsolete!" Well, okay: actually, they didn't ask that. They should have done, though; I've got more creativity in one talon than they have in every single frigging brain cell. I'm a creative genius, me.

Didn't stop them from trying, did it? They've got a new RPG on the go. Some sort of Dark Ages bollocks or somesuch. I don't care. Actually, I'm still sulking about them not putting me in charge. I've got a game idea ready and waiting, but I'm undervalued here. I'm wasted, I really am.

Cast your mind back to the 50s and 60s. Gangland London. That's the next great setting for roleplay. Ronnie and Reggie. Mad Frankie Fraser. Ultra-violence, corruption, and exaggerated Laaaahndon accents. Sound good yet? Thought it would. As soon as I can talk Phil and Tabi out of their current project, expect to see They Woz Good To Their Muvver in the shops! I've already got a list of chapters sorted, not that anyone cares:

1. Fink you're a bit tasty, do yer? A guide to creating your own cockney gangster.
2. Oi! Leave it! A character's first tentative steps in the world of violent crime.
3. Get the toys aht! Equipment listings: ever wondered how much damage you can do to someone by ripping his toes off with a set of bolt cutters?
4. Look aht! 'E's got a shootah! The ubiquitous combat system. Do you shoot the police? Or do you shoot yourself? No bastard coppa's gunnu take me alive!
5. You set me ap, you slaaaaag! You stitched me ap like a kippah! A chapter about betrayal, getting nicked and doing stir.
6. Porridge. How to survive inside when your character's doing twenty years for murder.
7. Gentlemen, they woz. An' they only evah killed their own sort! Coping with the realisation that your horrible crimes are now viewed with a kind of wistful nostalgia, and as vicious a bastard as you were back then, people now view you as a lovable rogue.
8. Bit of a rascal, I woz, but I know better now. Book deals, television appearances: you see? Crime does pay after all.

Sooner or later people are going to get fed up with this sword-and-sorcery shite. Think how much better The Hobbit would have been if Gandalf fucked the Great Goblin up with a pair of pliers instead of just stabbing him with Glamdring! "You might fink you're pretty tasty, but I'm tellin' yer right now you're nuffink. Great Goblin? Shit Goblin, more like!"

Deep down, you know I'm right.

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 1, 2008.