Broom Handle / Your Arse '08

This is a column with one purpose: to aggrandise myself at the expense of anyone with the misfortune to be in my sights at the moment. I do not need to be knowledgeable. I just have to riff as mercilessly as I can and some of you are bound to lap it up. It's part of the deal. I'm a bastard and you like it.

This job's easy. Too easy. You see, every other bugger does it and the famous are queuing up around the block to provide the next train wreck du jour There's just no challenge anymore! I've hardly done a dozen columns and already I'm bored.

The thing is, I'm told the key to good blogging, or at least one of the keys is timeliness. Do you see the problem I face here, boys and girls? I'd promised myself I wouldn't devote two columns in a row to the presidential candidates, but it looks like I've got no choice. That's all pretty much every social networking site is talking about. That and Britney Spears, and frankly it's no contest, is it?

Let's try doing things a little differently, though. Let's turn our eyes away from the presidential hopefuls and look at you, the people they're trying to court. After all, what's a whore without her johns? Now, I've noticed something you all have in common: first, you all have an opinion, and a really strong one at that. America's been through Hell these past eight years, so naturally that's understandable. Second, each of you has his or hopes pinned on one candidate, with the expectation that they'll lead America and by extension the world out of its current morass, whether they see that morass as war, corruption, financial crisis, evolution or gay marriage. Pick an issue, any issue, and it's threatening to destroy America and only one candidate can provide salvation. Even people who I'd otherwise consider quite intelligent are doing this.

I have to ask one question, folks: why? We've all seen it happen again and again, and each time it backfires. You pin all your hopes on one guy or girl, hoping for change, only for them to backfire or turn out to be very much part of the establishment that's troubling you. And then four years roll around, and you do it all again. Have you learned nothing? No wonder Bush got in for a second term. He didn't need to fiddle the ballots. All he needed was a divided populace and ineffectual opposition, each member of which on the lookout for their own personal Moses, expecting him to provide a cure. That was easy enough. He got in the last two times, simply, because you are all idiots. That's all.

Sorry, is that too harsh for you? Were you expecting me to pick on Bush and the Republicans? Well, yes. It'd be easy to. And God knows I still will, because they're as bad as it gets, but they don't get all the blame. Oh, no. Not by a long chalk. You see, there are two parties. The vote was split roughly in half. That means half of you elected him to power, and the other half let him stay there and do what he wanted with impunity.

"But wait!" I hear you say. "Half of you didn't vote for him, and made sure the Democrats took both houses! That should settle him, shouldn't it? It could have been worse. And anyway, he's out this time, and Clinton or Obama could get in! It'll be different soon!"

Fuck you. It's no different now, and it probably won't change regardless of whoever gets in. I'll tell you why. It's not voter apathy, although that's part of it. It's because you're lazy. You expect a president will grant or preserve your freedoms. You reckon your political responsibilities begin and end at the ballot boxes, and a load of you can't even be bothered to go that far. You ended up with Bush and the current load of politicians because they were all you deserved.

Of course, I hardly do anything on this front either, so I'm part of the problem too. Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the whole fucking lot of us… aah, I'm too sober for this shit. I'll try to take the piss out of something funnier next time, okay?

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 7, 2008.

Iowaaaargh

It's shocking, it really is. I've been online for years, and what's the best I get? Occasional blogging on an RPG site. Here I am, intelligent, charming, devilishly sexy (women go for cloven hooves, you know) and yet the only people with whom I can share my wit and wisdom are a bunch of losers for whom the highlight of the month is rolling a natural 20 on an inked icosahedron: an event which by frigging definition occurs 5% of the time! I'm wasted on you, I really am. In a doomed attempt to broaden the appeal of this snot-smeared piss-drizzled rag of a website, it's time to put on my political hat.

So without further ado I cast my rheumy eye (it's a recognised medical condition) over the Iowa caucus. The first big fight to start weeding out candidates that are somehow unsuited to the presidency. It's all terribly inefficient. I could accomplish that in seconds: just invite them all into an enclosed space to debate and toss in a pipe bomb. A simple process of elimination. But, apparently, the law frowns on practices like that, so the country is forced to stoop to politics. Iowa is an agricultural state, stereotypically full of middle-aged white conservative God-botherers. The backbone of the Midwest. You know. The average sort of schmuck to whom few politicians would want to give the time of day, except when it's time for the caucus. Then it's time to do a bit of glad-handing with the nation's most mediocre and connect: the idea is if you can connect with these people, who pride themselves on their unassuming common sense (ha!) then you can connect with anyone. If you can win in Iowa and New Hampshire, you have the common touch and have a fighting chance anywhere. That's the theory, anyway. At Iowa, all pretensions are checked at the door. And a whole raft of new pretensions must be picked up quicker than you can say "Vote for me and I'll give you a blow-job."

Who's who in this race is not as important as who's pretending to be who. Candidates are going to try to latch onto as many groups as possible in an attempt to court their votes. The sad truth is that the public don't actually want change. They want a candidate to agree with them. That works out nicely because the candidates are prepared to agree with absolutely anyone in order to get their votes. Do you think that human beings were created as they are now, 6,000 years ago? Great! No problem! Just so long as enough of you vote and contribute to the campaign, there'll be half a dozen politicians fighting with each other to disbelieve any bit of science you care to name. Germ theory, plate tectonics — who needs them?

Whoever you vote for, politicians will get in. One chunk of the populace will be rewarded for their votes, another will be punished, and chances are you're all in for a vigorous ass-fucking and thanks to the price of crude oil hitting $100 a barrel, Vaseline is going to be expensive. You might look into water- or silicon-based lubricants. Start looking now.

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 3, 2008.