Iowaaaargh

It's shocking, it really is. I've been online for years, and what's the best I get? Occasional blogging on an RPG site. Here I am, intelligent, charming, devilishly sexy (women go for cloven hooves, you know) and yet the only people with whom I can share my wit and wisdom are a bunch of losers for whom the highlight of the month is rolling a natural 20 on an inked icosahedron: an event which by frigging definition occurs 5% of the time! I'm wasted on you, I really am. In a doomed attempt to broaden the appeal of this snot-smeared piss-drizzled rag of a website, it's time to put on my political hat.

So without further ado I cast my rheumy eye (it's a recognised medical condition) over the Iowa caucus. The first big fight to start weeding out candidates that are somehow unsuited to the presidency. It's all terribly inefficient. I could accomplish that in seconds: just invite them all into an enclosed space to debate and toss in a pipe bomb. A simple process of elimination. But, apparently, the law frowns on practices like that, so the country is forced to stoop to politics. Iowa is an agricultural state, stereotypically full of middle-aged white conservative God-botherers. The backbone of the Midwest. You know. The average sort of schmuck to whom few politicians would want to give the time of day, except when it's time for the caucus. Then it's time to do a bit of glad-handing with the nation's most mediocre and connect: the idea is if you can connect with these people, who pride themselves on their unassuming common sense (ha!) then you can connect with anyone. If you can win in Iowa and New Hampshire, you have the common touch and have a fighting chance anywhere. That's the theory, anyway. At Iowa, all pretensions are checked at the door. And a whole raft of new pretensions must be picked up quicker than you can say "Vote for me and I'll give you a blow-job."

Who's who in this race is not as important as who's pretending to be who. Candidates are going to try to latch onto as many groups as possible in an attempt to court their votes. The sad truth is that the public don't actually want change. They want a candidate to agree with them. That works out nicely because the candidates are prepared to agree with absolutely anyone in order to get their votes. Do you think that human beings were created as they are now, 6,000 years ago? Great! No problem! Just so long as enough of you vote and contribute to the campaign, there'll be half a dozen politicians fighting with each other to disbelieve any bit of science you care to name. Germ theory, plate tectonics — who needs them?

Whoever you vote for, politicians will get in. One chunk of the populace will be rewarded for their votes, another will be punished, and chances are you're all in for a vigorous ass-fucking and thanks to the price of crude oil hitting $100 a barrel, Vaseline is going to be expensive. You might look into water- or silicon-based lubricants. Start looking now.

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 3, 2008.