Oh, they're back, are they?

Oh, look. They're alive again. Honestly, people today: no staying power, that's their problem. All it takes is one little crisis like the imminent release of a new edition of D&D and everyone goes to pieces. "What'll we do, Bluey?" they ask. "In a few short months most of the gaming material on this site will be obsolete!" Well, okay: actually, they didn't ask that. They should have done, though; I've got more creativity in one talon than they have in every single frigging brain cell. I'm a creative genius, me.

Didn't stop them from trying, did it? They've got a new RPG on the go. Some sort of Dark Ages bollocks or somesuch. I don't care. Actually, I'm still sulking about them not putting me in charge. I've got a game idea ready and waiting, but I'm undervalued here. I'm wasted, I really am.

Cast your mind back to the 50s and 60s. Gangland London. That's the next great setting for roleplay. Ronnie and Reggie. Mad Frankie Fraser. Ultra-violence, corruption, and exaggerated Laaaahndon accents. Sound good yet? Thought it would. As soon as I can talk Phil and Tabi out of their current project, expect to see They Woz Good To Their Muvver in the shops! I've already got a list of chapters sorted, not that anyone cares:

1. Fink you're a bit tasty, do yer? A guide to creating your own cockney gangster.
2. Oi! Leave it! A character's first tentative steps in the world of violent crime.
3. Get the toys aht! Equipment listings: ever wondered how much damage you can do to someone by ripping his toes off with a set of bolt cutters?
4. Look aht! 'E's got a shootah! The ubiquitous combat system. Do you shoot the police? Or do you shoot yourself? No bastard coppa's gunnu take me alive!
5. You set me ap, you slaaaaag! You stitched me ap like a kippah! A chapter about betrayal, getting nicked and doing stir.
6. Porridge. How to survive inside when your character's doing twenty years for murder.
7. Gentlemen, they woz. An' they only evah killed their own sort! Coping with the realisation that your horrible crimes are now viewed with a kind of wistful nostalgia, and as vicious a bastard as you were back then, people now view you as a lovable rogue.
8. Bit of a rascal, I woz, but I know better now. Book deals, television appearances: you see? Crime does pay after all.

Sooner or later people are going to get fed up with this sword-and-sorcery shite. Think how much better The Hobbit would have been if Gandalf fucked the Great Goblin up with a pair of pliers instead of just stabbing him with Glamdring! "You might fink you're pretty tasty, but I'm tellin' yer right now you're nuffink. Great Goblin? Shit Goblin, more like!"

Deep down, you know I'm right.

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on January 1, 2008.

4E… meh.

It's official: D&D 4th edition is out next year. Now, what difference does this make to me? Does it mean I'm going to stop buying splatbooks since they'll be obsolete in eight months' time? Nah! I stopped buying them more than a year ago. Am I going to get all excited about the forthcoming changes? Nope! Did that when 3E was coming out. I'm actually fairly indifferent about the whole thing. It's this realisation that has led me to a pretty shocking conclusion. Readers: your uncle Bluey is getting old.

So, what's the solution to this early mid-life crisis? Get a motorbike? Start dating girls young enough to be my daughters? Nah. It's time to transfer all that nerdy energy to other pursuits, or at least other games. It's time to find an RPG that's more relevant to my interests. Perhaps GURPS: Withnail and I, a cheeky little RPG where you have to drink lighter fluid while your acting career stalls and your friendship with your flatmate disintegrates. Or maybe Deviant: The Masquerade, where your character goes from newsagent to newsagent, purchasing jazz mags and trying not to let anyone know your kinks, even though the magazines are up there on the top shelf for all to see? Either of them will do. Right now, though, I'm off for a swift round of Old Rope: The Exchange for Money. It's very easy to play. You just look at the bookshelf crammed with hundreds of pounds' worth of 3E books and try not to have a bit of a cry. I'd rather you didn't join me for that, though. It's a bit embarrassing.

Originally posted to Slack 'n' Hash on August 17, 2007.