God is on your side – for the right price.

Another lengthy absence, but bear with me, chums and pals: I have a very good reason for it. (I know, I know, you've heard that one before.) You see, during my holiday I found God. In fact, I found lots of gods. The one true god; secret and ineffable demiurges; strange nameless deities who are only knowable as effigies of wood and stone; and dozens of pantheons whose powers extend over the mortal sphere and the implacable elemental forces. And having found them, I want to share them with you.

Today marks the grand opening of Bluey's Imprecatory Prayer Service. Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to have God on your side? Well, wonder no more, boys and girls! No longer will you have to attend services, offer sacrifices, or even say your prayers. What I offer is the single greatest leap forward in labour-saving divine intervention technology since… since… well, since ever.

Oh yes indeedy do! For a modest fee, we here at BIPS will handle your religion for you. Do you want prayers offered to Saint Fiacre to cure your piles? An appeal to Allah, who is just and merciful, for a clear head in these trying times? A hecatomb offered to Ares for victory over the Athenians in battle? The nipple-tweaking ritual of Hok Pok Gaar to ensure your enemies die of terminal nose-bleeds? Just send your request to Bluey's Imprecatory Prayer Service and we'll work out a reasonable price to cover time, materials and deities invoked. Satisfaction guaranteed!

Originally posted to slacknhash.net on August 30, 2008.

Ted Haggard Knows All

Here's my new plan for fame and fortune. Well, fortune. Well, conning people and getting them to give me money no matter what I've caught. Which is the same thing. More or less.

1. Get religion. Starting religious sects and cults is the best way to get the desperate and gullible to give you money hand-over-fist. It's the 20th century success story. Yes, I know it's technically the 21st century now, but really it's just C20v2.0. Same difference.
2. Be as conservative as possible. Find some common practices and denounce them as sins committed only by the sick and depraved.
3. Get caught performing said practices.
4. Claim to be undergoing treatment and that you are now 100% heterosexual, clean, sober, monogamous, whatever.
5. Your followers will forgive you. After all, who's going to tell them what to do if you don't?
6. Ask them to give you more money when you decide to work at a 'halfway house' for drug addicts, pushers and prostitutes.
7. Laugh as you rake in the cash. Think of some more hobbies that the faithful can subsidise for you.

Thanks, Ted. You're a friggin' genius.

Originally posted to Slack 'n' Hash on August 25, 2007.